I am actually talking to two guys right now who have sparked my interest, but not romantically. There’s only one person I can think of at the top of my head who I would actually consider ‘dating’ if we both decided we were ready for commitment. But other than that, no. I am not dating anyone, just enjoying the single life.
The dark. I know it sounds like nonsense but in reality, I am terrified going from a brightly lit room into a pitch dark room, or a room where there’s barely any light at all. It started in October of last year after I came home one night from working at Haunt. The house was dark, I went into the bathroom to use the restroom, and when I went from my bathroom to the room, I saw something in a white gown crouching in front of the front door, staring at me. I locked myself in the bathroom for a good 15 minutes before running into my room and locking my bedroom door behind me. Ever since then, make sure a light is on at all times when going from room to room at night. Or I’ll look down at my feet the whole entire time I’m walking from my room to the bathroom. I’m a scared bitch, no care ever.
I guess you can say I do. I believe in such things as shadow people and demons, both of which I have seen with my very own eyes. And I can say those encounters have been the most terrifying things I have ever witnessed in my whole entire life, and which is why I have a fear of walking from a lit room into complete darkness.
As Christians, we have a duty to help and pray for our brothers and sisters in Christ, even if we don’t want to. Most find it as an obligation. They think, oh I’m not really friends with them so I shouldn’t have to. That’s bullcrap. If someone is seeking prayer, then the best thing to do is to pray for the, regardless if you like them or not. And it’s not because it’s “it’s the right thing to do”. Like, it is. But you shouldn’t be doing it because it’s gonna make you right with God. You should do it because that’s what God has called us to do.
Today I was asked by a friend of mine to pray for him. And it’s funny because about ten minutes before he had text me I was thinking about him. You see, this friend, I considered him my best friend. And I had huge feelings for him. I thought he was perfect. I liked him a lot. And after I told him, he grew distant. Recently, I became tired of forced conversation between him. I was tired of crying to him about me liking him. I was just emotionally exhausted. So I just stopped talking to him and vowed to myself to not try and converse with him until he started conversation first. I’ve been doing well. I haven’t hurt over him at all. And he never tried to contact me. Which bummed me out at first then I grew to not caring. It just proved what kind of a person he was to me. He wasn’t a friend anymore. He was just an aquaintance. He let a person step in the way of our close friendship. So I let her have her way. The fight for our friendship wasn’t worth it to me. Because I fought too much already.
Anyways, back to my original story.
He texted me today asking for prayer. My first reaction was to text him back and be a jerk to him. But I just sat there dumbfounded, staring at the text. I was in shock that he texted me. I replied to him with a simple ok. At first I wasn’t going to do it. I wasn’t going to pray for him at all. My thought was why should I? He texted me back, thanking me and I just replied back with ‘ya’. All day I fought with myself about praying for him. Why should I pray for someone who left me in the dust? Why should I pray for someone who hurt me, who completely forgot about me? Who constantly ignored me? Saying he was “too busy” at work, which I knew was a complete lie because he use to text me while he was at work. Then while riding to the college with Jin, God just blew up on me. He just laid down the law. He was like, “look I know you don’t want to do this but you gotta. He’s still you’re brother in Christ and he needs to be uplifted. He’s hurting and you just need to help him.” I was speechless because God had never spoken so clear to me like he did today.
So I prayed for him. And I’m going to pray for him again before I go to bed, like I use to. And I’m going to continue to pray for him.
Not because it’s the right thing to do. Because it’s what should be done.
I love getting text messages from friends who lurk just for the sake of it. Tonight I got a text from one of my good friends, Ashley, saying: “Wow, there’s something about you that make other girls psycho stalk you.” Then 10 minutes later, she tmailed me the following image:
I seriously el oh el’d so hard when I saw this. Apparently these teenaged girls thought I was talking about them (Shit Talk Fest 2010 happened at the velodrome the other night). I was over that whole situation as soon as it began, and apparently the girls are doing what teenaged girls do best: beating a dead horse. I graduated high school for a reason. So this is what… obvious stalker/lurker number 4 or 5? I’ve lost count.
Anyways, to clear things up… Saturday night ended up being a really bad night for me, realizing the ones who I thought gave a shit, really didn’t. But at the same time, people who I thought never really cared surfaced and made me feel ten times better about situations that were happening.
Some people might know the situation between my ex, Michael (not to be confused with my friend Mike), and I. We’ve been fighting for the past week, and he’s been telling lies about a friend of mine and I. Saying things like I lead him on while my friend and I were sleeping with each other, or that I was in a relationship with this friend while trying to sleep with him. Both of which were false. It had become an emotional strain for me, having Michael and I’s friends texting me, asking if what he was saying was true. Not only was I becoming more and more aggressive, but I was taking all my anger out on people who didn’t deserve it (Kevin, Austin, Collin, etc) and stressing so bad, that it was affecting my health.
Saturday was when I just snapped.
Michael and I were fighting (per usual). He kept nagging about my friend and I, saying that I wasn’t telling him the truth. I couldn’t take it longer, and I sent him a text explaining every little detail of mine and my friend’s friendship. How nothing was going on romantically or physically, but how I felt about our friendship. 20 minutes later, Michael showed up on my grand mother’s doorstep, and I became a ball of snot and salty tears in his arms.
Michael, when he’s not throwing a bitch fit, is prolly one of the only guys who is overly protective of me and will go out of his way to make sure whoever has wronged me apologizes. And last night, he saw me hurt, not only because of him but because of others as well, and it pissed him off. I had to remind him that he caused the majority of what was bothering me. He was jealous that he saw me as a completely different person when I was around my friend than when him and I dated. He saw me happy, he saw me being myself. He saw what he could never experience because he screwed up. So he felt like he had to sabotage a friendship in order for me to give him attention. Needless to say, he felt like shit afterwards.
But anyways, my post on Facebook wasn’t about a couple of kids who like to keep dragging out a certain situation. My status was mainly about Michael, someone who can be a really great friend sometimes, but for the most part is an enemy because of his inability to realize that I won’t ever date him again divides up our friendship.
Guy:oh for sure so what part of corona you from? im live next to centennial high and shit
Guy:so i take it you dont want to get to know me lol
Me:bingo. i denied you on myspace, i'll deny you on here
Guy:good for you, i dont know why but good for you. you denied someone trying to look for a relation ship. your awsome og heart breaker lol
Me:I don't want a relationship with you. I don't find you attractive. I don't find you interesting.
Guy:you dont even know me. i bet you im more interesting than anyone you have ever met
Me:I highly doubt that. And, excuse me, I saw your myspace. Nothing stands out.
Guy:lol maybe it shows that i dont give a fuck about internet profile decorating lol
and it shows how you profile. like a little kid. i never said one negative thing to you
Me:Internet profile decorating? My myspace is plain as fuck.
Yes, I am so immature
Guy:yes you are. i havent said one negative thing about you
Guy:and you still are negative
Guy:i dont need you to say sorry
Guy:just realize how you affext random people
Me:Am I making you cry or something?
Guy:i wish i cared about you that much
Guy:but girls like you make me realize why i stay single. your not bad. just in a shitty world
Me:Actually, my world is pretty damn amazing.
Guy:the way you talk reflects nothing amazing whatsoever
Me:You obviously haven't read my profile.
Guy:if it was so amazing, you would be welcoming strangers with open arms. why look at your profile when i can feel your anger?
Me:You take rejection badly.
Guy:and see your wall? naw i dont actually, i still respect you
Me:Yes, bc I'm so angry.
Guy:not literally. im just trying to help out your attitude, but if you wanna suffer in the ocean, be my guest
Me:I am not suffering what so ever
Guy:thats what you think
Me:Just because I chose to not speak to you does not make me a bad person
Guy:its not what you chose, its how you chose it
Me:Makes no difference. You're throwing a fit because I rejected you
Guy:naw not really, the universe has put you and your "personality" in my path at a perfect point of time, you just perfectly represent the ignorant soul, so i decided to take out my frustration of trying to be a good soul with good intentions on you, im sorry lol
Me:Oh yes, I'm so so ignorant
Guy:i have been dealing with alot of people like you lately, the world is very frustrating
Me:It's my life, I chose who I want in it
Guy:lol i know
Me:So there's no reason for you to continue throwing this little bitch fit
Guy:there is no reason for you to keep on typing me back =)
Me:I like arguing.
Me:And proving people, like you, wrong.
Guy:can i try to prove you wrong? i really think i have a good point of view on things lol you religious?
Me:You keep trying to prove that I'm some ignorant bitch all because I don't want your friendship.
Guy:no no no i could care less about your friendship. it just bothered me how mean you were about it
Me:Then why did you message me in the first place? To get to know me in order to form....?
Guy:because i thought you were attracting and would be easy to talk to cuz i liked your style and you lived by me
Me:Yes, but you were obviously looking for something
Guy:or a friend it doesnt matter
Me:And you threw a bitch fit because I don't want to form any type of relationship with you.
Me:I am VERY picky as to who I let in my life.
Guy:lol oh really? and what are the standards?
Me:Does it really honestly matter?
Guy:idk yet, it depends what answer you give me
Me:You're the kind of person who tries to fit the mold
Guy:no fucking way
Me:So whatever I say, I'm pretty sure you're gonna say "oh ya thats me" No thanks
Guy:you wanna know me?
Me:Stick to your music career kid. No, I don't wanna know you.
Today you might be feeling unloved, though there’s no real reason for it. Your relationships with those around you should actually be pretty strong, Paige, but your biorhythms are down and so you might be lagging in self-confidence right now. Phone up a close friend and get together with her. Go shopping, or to a movie, and get your spirits up. By the end of the day you’ll feel like your old self again!
I’m happier than you’ll ever be. And you know who you are. Your bullshit novellas about how happiness is what matters in your life is a pathetic cover up for how you really feel. Get over it. I was nothing to you.
Do you ever have serious conversations via text messaging? Yes.
What was the last really dumb thing you did? Tricking myself into thinking that he cared.
What jacket are you wearing? My Uprising hoodie
Did you have sex today? Nope.
Do you love somebody right now? If you asked me this two months ago, I would’ve said yes. But now, the only thing I love is my bike.
Could you cry right now? You have no idea.
Have you ever kept something from someone close to you? Yes, but I feel like telling them right now.
What if your most recent ex called you? It would prolly end up in a huge fight and me talking shit on his gf.
Do you have any idea of how you will style your hair tomorrow? Prolly a ponytail like usual.
What’s on your mind right now? How much I crave affection, and how I wish I could get certain people out of my memory.
Were you smiling when you woke up this morning? Mhmm
How have you felt today? Rollercoaster of emotions.
Have you ever cried and didn’t know why? All the time.
Are you cheating on someone right now? Not cheating. You have to be in a relationship with someone in order to be cheating.
Who was the last person you cuddled with? ———
If you could take back one thing you ever did or said in your life, what would it be? I would say making a bad choice I made in October. But honestly, it’s for the best. I wouldn’t have who I have in my life today.
Do you put ketchup on top of your french fries or on the side? both ahaha
Do you have a bad temper? I act like a 5 yr old when I don’t get my way.
What’s the hardest thing you’ve gone through in the past year? Falling for someone, failing to commit myself to them, then realizing I wasn’t anything but a rebound.
Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone? A few times.
Did you hug or kiss anyone today? Yes.
Think back to this time last year, were you happy? I was getting drunk at 3pm. You tell me.
Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? For once, yes.
Is the last person you kissed older than you? Yes.
Have you ever maintained a real serious conversation while drunk? Yes! I love it!
Are you the same person you were a year ago? No, I’ve grown and such for the better.
Do you know anyone that’s kissed a random person? Duh.
Are you really into anyone right now? Yes, sadly.
In the past two days, what times have you gone to bed? Between 2-4am.
What is the last movie you saw in theaters and with who? Avatar with Mike.
Where will you be tomorrow at 2:30pm? Santiago High School.
Think back to yesterday, what did you do? Went to bed at 2am, woke up and cleaned my room, hung out with Austin, had dinner with his family, went to the gym, now talking to Chelsee
What woke you up this morning? My stomach/Austin’s text
Do you have any zebra clothing? Nope
Do you have any shoes that you don’t wear? A few haahaha
Last time you cooked for yourself? Last night.
When is the next time you will kiss someone of the opposite sex? Hopefully soon?
Are you the youngest person living in your house? Yup. Besides my dog.
Would you hug the last person you hugged again? Yes, over and over and over again.
Did you like anyone last summer? Robert.
The last person to be under covers with you? ———
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Chelsee, bc we’re talking haha
Where is your phone? On my bed.
How many people do you currently have feelings for? 2.
Did your last kiss take place on a bed? Yes.
Where were you 3 hours ago? Talking to Rob on Skype.
Love, sex, and passion are apt to be very much on your mind, Paige - particularly the latter two! If you aren’t currently involved, you might be especially attracted to someone with whom your usual interaction involves business, so a little caution is called for. Suggest a “professional” lunch or dinner, and then see where it takes you. You might not get what you want today - but you could create new potential for tomorrow!